Everyone has them, right? RIGHT?
Please tell me I'm not the only one...
I try to cultivate more of the good variety as a rule, but for some reason, the bad ones are just so much easier to keep around. I have many...too many. But the one that I've recently been trying (currently unsuccessfully) to rid myself of is my sailor mouth. To be more clear: sailor mouth = affinity for using foul, offensive, unsavory, and otherwise un-lady-like expressions. I have found that most people who suffer from sailor mouth tend to employ the gamut of dirty words available to them to get their points across. I, however, only have an issue with one - the big F bomb. I know, I skipped the minor leagues and went straight for the pros... You know what they say- "Go big or go home!" Let me explain - I haven't transitioned over into old salt status just yet - I don't go around dropping random bombs into my phrases or conversations with people. No, my bombs are mostly reserved for those special times when my sailor radar is activated. (Special times = at least 19 times a day. Radar = overly active temper. I'm Italian. We're not known for our level-headedness.)
There are 2 major circumstances that activate my sailor radar - and they are practically unavoidable - driving (especially in Utah -where I happen to reside), and my innate clumsiness.
The driving situation in Utah is bleak, to say the least - and I grew up driving on unpaved country lanes where road improvement meant picking the more sizeable boulders out of the gravel - so that is saying something. Aside from the pot holes that can tear a tire off of its rim, you can't leave your driveway without hitting road construction, and the drivers here are just...ridiculous. I could try to explain the phenomenon of Utah drivers better, but it would take far too long, and really, it's something you just have to experience for yourself. I guarantee that the ignition fuse to your own sailor radar would be significantly shortened!
It's true, I could leave my wheels at home and brave the public transportation system, but I have a couple of tendencies that I fear would make me unpopular with the mass transit crowd: The fact that I shower daily and use deodorant, and my penchant for personal space. So, I guess my only other option for now is to petition the state to require everyone in Utah to retake driver's ed.... Except me, of course.
As for the 2nd trigger of my radar... I don't know how I've managed to survive almost 29 years without a ride in an ambulance. I can't go more than 3 minutes without stubbing, tripping, spilling or dropping something. This invariably sets off my sailor mouth, which then leads to even more stubbing, tripping, spilling and/or dropping. It's a vicious cycle. I'm looking into baby-proofing. For adults.
I guess the main point of this post is to apologize in advance to anyone who ever might have the great misfortune to ride in a car with me, or be within earshot when I run into a wall, stub my toe or drop my keys. One day, the most severe words to leave my lips will be "aw, nuts" or "gosh darn it" - but for now? Plug your ears. I'm a work in progress.
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